Feeling sorry for someone’s predicament is sympathy but to actually make a meaningful difference by moving out of one’s comfort zone, go an extra mile…that is the crux of empathy.

A 21-year-old college student named Brandon Cook visited his grandmother in the hospital. She was dying of cancer. Brandon loved his grandmother a lot and knew she didn’t have much time to live. Watching her die was hard and he really wanted to make her happy, knowing that doing so will make him happy too.

He knew she hated the hospital food and what she really craved for was clam chowder from Panera. Though Brandon hadn’t eaten his grandma’s hospital food, but he could imagine how bland it tasted. He felt that she deserved better, and wanted to give it to her.

However, Panera only sold their clam chowder on Fridays. Unfortunately, the day Brandon’s grandma wanted clam chowder, wasn’t a Friday. Brandon knew that grandma didn’t have much longer to live. For him that day was what mattered.

Brandon called up the local Panera and asked for the manager. He explained the situation and the manager was very touched by the love Brandon felt for his grandma. The manager could imagine what it feels like to know you’re about to lose someone who means so much and you want to make them happy in the time left. Though the day wasn’t Friday, the manager decided to go out of her way to make the clam chowder. She told Brandon when he could come to pick it up.

When Brandon arrived at the Panera in Nashua, New Hampshire, the clam chowder was waiting for him. Along with it, the manager gave him a box of cookies. The manager didn’t know Brandon’s grandma and also didn’t know if she liked cookies, but she knew how most people feel about cookies. She could imagine that a free and unexpected box of cookies would make Brandon’s grandma even happier than a cup of on-the-wrong-day clam chowder.

Brandon was so thankful to Panera for helping him deliver clam chowder to his dying grandma. Not only did the manager go out of her way to make the soup for only one customer, she also gave him a box of cookies for free. Brandon imagined that it must have been an inconvenience to make a whole batch of soup on a day they hadn’t planned to. He also imagined that giving away free cookies isn’t commonplace at Panera. He recognized that the manager understood his situation and felt his pain. She not only wanted to fulfill his wish, but surprise him as well. She must have really cared about him and about his grandma. The result of empathy is intrinsic and doesn’t require validation. Empathy is the ability to relate.

Can one person make a difference? Yes, especially when it comes to fostering organizational culture. In this case, the organization had taught its employee to act with compassion and bend the rules when she felt it was appropriate. Those who aren’t treated humanely cease to feel like human beings. Inevitably, it becomes impossible to see others as human beings worthy of being treated humanely. When an organization treats its employees with empathy, they become capable of experiencing and imparting empathy in turn.

Sometimes situations are beyond anyone’s control especially when it comes to illness etc. However, it isn’t how much but really the small things that you do by being empathetic towards needs of people around you that becomes all important for them.

Simon lived in a terraced house with his Mum and Dad, two sisters and a dog called Betsy. She was getting old, poor Betsy. She had seen better days. She hardly had any ‘woof’ left. Betsy didn’t like the rain, or the cold. It was difficult to get her to go outside in bad weather, but of course she had to go, like all dogs do. It was usually Simon’s job to take her outside. He didn’t like the cold and the wet much either.

In the back garden there was a path next to the wall and it led down to the shed where the children had a den, Dad kept his tools and Mum kept the clothes line. Simon would sit in the shed while Betsy wandered round the garden, doing what she had to do. It got harder and harder to get Betsy outdoors. She would put one paw on the ground and if it was wet she would turn round and refuse to go outside. She was quite a tubby dog and very heavy and Simon wasn’t strong enough to push her out. The problem was, if she wasn’t made to go out she would be whining at the door in the next five minutes, then Mum would get cross.

Simon sat in the den one dry day, thinking about how he could solve the problem. He knew old people didn’t like the wet, and they could choose to stay indoors, but Betsy couldn’t because she was a dog. “What she needs is an outdoor dry place,” he thought.

Simon looked round the shed. There was an old stair carpet in a roll, tied up with a rope. Suddenly Simon had an idea. He removed the rope which was an old washing line and unrolled the carpet. He found some pieces of wood. He balanced the wood on the wall and using the rope and the old carpet, made a tunnel for Betsy to walk through from the kitchen door to the shed. There was an open lean-to for her to sit in to keep out of the rain beside the shed. Simon showed Betsy her new dry path. She seemed to understand. She plodded along on the inside, next to the wall, and wagged her tail gently when she reached the lean to.

“Good dog,” said Simon. The next day it rained. Betsy went straight into her tunnel from the kitchen door to the shed. “Clever girl,” said Simon.

Betsy did not live very long after that. The family were sad when she went, but Simon’s Dad said Simon had really cared for her very well and had tried hard to understand how she was feeling and what she needed. He was so pleased with Simon that they went to choose a new dog from the Dogs’ Home – a dog whose owners were not well enough to look after it and who needed a loving new home.

Dad said he was sure Simon would do his best to make Toby the new dog happy, and he did!

What is the effect when an organization makes the effort to step out of the realm of ordinary customer service and goes the extra mile to make their customer feel extra special. Read on to understand how empathy is an important part of customer service…

On the 1st May my grandma Pauline Golding, celebrated her 100th birthday. Getting to 100 years old is an experience that many of us are unlikely to have. As a UK citizen, you are entitled to receive recognition of your ‘achievement’ from the reigning Monarch. A birthday card from Elizabeth II does not just arrive in the post – the potential recipient is contacted by the Department for Work and Pensions roughly two months before the birthday to start the process. The receipt of a card from the Queen was to be the centre-piece of a birthday celebration to be held on Pauline’s birthday itself. The party was to be top-secret – although I suspect Pauline knew that something might happen.

Unfortunately, due to school and work constraints, we could not get down to London from Chester for the party on Pauline’s actual birthday. I was therefore told what the plan would be. Family and friends had been invited to the sheltered accommodation where Pauline lives. An official was to deliver the card from the Queen, whilst the Mayor of Barnet would also join the celebrations. Everything was planned to perfection. When we visited Pauline for a more private family party a few days before, Pauline was visibly moved by the attention she received. I am told she was equally grateful on her birthday. Surrounded by people who care for her, she quite rightly became Queen for the day in her own right.

I am sure you are finding this all very interesting, but what has this got to do with Mc Donalds and the subject of Customer Experience? Having set the scene, let me get to point. Now she has reached 100, Pauline is not able to get out and about by herself. About three years ago, things got too much for her to be confident enough to use public transport. When she was more mobile, one of her favorite haunts was Brent Cross Shopping Centre in North London. For years, Pauline could be seen entering Brent Cross, and at some point would always end up in Mc Donalds. With her regular order of a coffee and an apple pie, Pauline became a little bit of a fixture.

I remember her talking about her trips to McDonalds. Pauline would comment on how friendly and kind the staff were towards her. On her birthday, they would always put a balloon on the table where she sat. A lovely touch, and perhaps a true sign of caring, empathetic employees. Pauline last visited McDonalds at Brent Cross at some point during her 98th year – they have not heard from or seen her since.

During the birthday party on the 1st May, whilst the celebrations were in full swing, four guests arrived unexpectedly. Pauline’s reaction was of complete amazement – she almost fell off her chair. The four guests were members of staff from Mc Donalds at Brent Cross. They had brought with them flowers, a card, and more importantly – a coffee and an apple pie!! The Mc Donalds manager, Yvonne, had found Pauline – she and her team had not forgotten her, and were determined to show that they were still thinking of her. How they found where she lives is a mystery – but the effect their actions had were immense. It is quite an amazing act of kindness – and an act that meant a huge amount to Pauline.

In a world where we find it so easy to see the negatives in behavior, it is a fantastic feeling to share such a simple story of unadulterated kindness. These four employees of a multinational corporation are not paid to do what they did. They were not asked to do what they did. They did it because the genuinely care about their customers. I am not sure if I am biased, but it leaves me with a very warm feeling.

I think others could learn from their actions. What they did was instinctive – they did what they felt was the right thing to do because they cared enough to do it. If you are looking for an example of genuine empathy, you would do well to find a better one than this.

My grandma will remember a lot of things about her birthday celebrations, but the one thing that will almost certainly leave her with a big smile on her face is the memory of the four lovely ladies from Mc Donalds and their coffee and apple pies!

We all love to receive gifts and especially unexpected ones however, does the joy of being a benefactor far exceed that of being a receiver. The story below speaks of how even a small gift can be cause of great happiness for both a receiver and more so for the giver.

A young student was one day taking a walk with a professor, who was commonly called the students’ friend, from his kindness to those who waited on his instructions. As they went along, they saw lying in the path a pair of old shoes, which they supposed to belong to a poor man who was employed in a field close by, and who had nearly finished his day’s work. The student turned to the professor, saying: “Let us play the man a trick: we will hide his shoes, and conceal ourselves behind those bushes, and wait to see his perplexity when he cannot find them.”

“My friend” answered the professor, “we should never amuse ourselves at the expense of the poor. But you are rich, and may give yourself a much greater pleasure by means of the poor man. Put a coin into each shoe, and then we will hide ourselves and watch how the discovery affects him.”

The student did so, and they both placed themselves behind the bushes close by. The poor man soon finished his work, and came across the field to the path where he had left his coat and shoes. While putting on his coat he slipped his foot into one of his shoes; but feeling something hard, he stooped down to feel what it was, and found the coin. Astonishment and wonder were seen upon his countenance. He gazed upon the coin, turned it round, and looked at it again and again. He then looked around him on all sides, but no person was to be seen. He now put the money into his pocket, and proceeded to put on the other shoe; but his surprise was doubled on finding the other coin.

His feelings overcame him; he fell upon his knees, looked up to heaven and uttered aloud a fervent thanksgiving, in which he spoke of his wife, sick and helpless, and his children without bread, whom the timely bounty, from some unknown hand, would save from perishing.

The student stood there deeply affected, and his eyes filled with tears. “Now,” said the professor, “are you not much better pleased than if you had played your intended trick?”

The youth replied, “You have taught me a lesson which I will never forget. I feel now the truth of those words, which I never understood before: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.'”

What is our attitude when faced with imperfections and challenges, do we seek to find perfection or use empathy as a way to deal with the situation?

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.

“Mister,” he said, “I want to buy one of your puppies.” “Well,” said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, “These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.” The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.

“I’ve got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?” “Sure,” said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. “Here, Dolly!” he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up.

“I want that one,” the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy’s side and said, “Son, you don’t want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would.”

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, “You see sir, I don’t run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands.”

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.

The anecdote below shares the following moral – Striving For More Is Always Good, But Let’s Not Strive So Hard And For So Much That We Lose All Those Near And Dear To Our Hearts, We Shouldn’t Compromise Our Happiness For Moments Of Luxuries!

Long time ago, there lived a king. He should have been contented with his life, given all the riches and luxuries he had. However, this was not the case! He always found himself wondering why he just never seemed content with his life. Sure, he had the attention of everyone wherever he went, attended fancy dinners and parties, but somehow, he still felt something was lacking and he couldn’t put his finger on it.

One day, he had woken up earlier than usual to stroll around his palace. He entered his huge living room and came to a stop when he heard someone happily singing away. Following this singing, he saw that one of the servants was singing and had a very contented look on his face. This fascinated the king and he summoned this man to his chambers.

The man entered the king’s chambers as ordered. The king asked why he was so happy?

To this the man replied: “Your majesty, I am nothing but a servant, but I make enough of a living to keep my wife and children happy. We don’t need too much, a roof over our heads and warm food to fill our tummy. My wife and children are my inspiration, they are content with whatever little I bring home. I am happy because my family is happy.”

Hearing this, the king dismissed the servant and summoned his personal assistant to his chambers.

The king related his personal anguish about his feelings and then related the story of the servant to his personal assistant, hoping that somehow, he will be able to come up with some reasoning that here was a king who could have anything he wished for at a snap of his fingers and yet was not contented, whereas, his servant, having so little was extremely contented.

The personal assistant listened attentively and came to a conclusion. He said, “your majesty, i believe that the servant has not been made part of the 99 club.” “The 99 club? And what exactly is that?” the king inquired.

To which the assistant replied, “your majesty, to truly know what the 99 club is, you will have to do the following… Place 99 gold coins in a bag and leave it at this servant’s doorstep, you will then understand what the 99 club is.” That very same evening, the king arranged for 99 gold coins to be placed in a bag at the servant’s doorstep. Although he was slightly hesitant and he thought he should have put 100 gold coins into the bag, but since his assistant had advised him to put 99 that is what he did.

The servant was just stepping out of his house when he saw a bag at his doorstep. Wondering about its contents, he took it into his house and opened the bag. When he opened the bag, he let out a great big shout of joy…gold coins… So many of them. He could hardly believe it. He called his wife to show her the coins.

He then took the bag to a table and emptied it out and began to count the coins. Doing so, he realized that there were 99 coins and he thought it was an odd number so he counted again, and again and again only to come to the same conclusion… 99 gold coins.

He began to wonder, what could have happened to that last 1 coin? For no one would leave 99 coins. He began to search his entire house, looked around his backyard for hours, not wanting to lose out on that one coin. Finally, exhausted, he decided that he was going to have to work harder than ever to make up for that 1 gold coin to make his entire collection an even 100 gold coins.

He got up the next morning, in an extremely horrible mood, shouting at the children and his wife for his delay, not realizing that he had spent most of the night conjuring ways of working hard so that he had enough money to buy himself that gold coin. He went to work as usual – but not in his usual best mood, singing happily – as he grumpily did his daily errands.

Seeing the man’s attitude change so drastically, the king was puzzled. He promptly summoned his assistant to his chambers. The king related his thoughts about the servant and once again, his assistant listened. The king could not believe that the servant who until yesterday had been singing away and was happy and content with his life had taken a sudden change of attitude, even though he should have been happier after receiving the gold coins.

To this the assistant replied “Ah! But your majesty, the servant has now officially joined the 99 club.” He explained: “The 99 club is just a name given to those people who have everything but yet are never contented, therefore they are always working hard and striving for that extra 1 to round it out to 100! We have so much to be thankful for and we can live with very little in our lives, but the minute we are given something bigger and better, we want even more!

That is what joining the 99 club is all about.” hearing this king decided that from that day onward he was going to start appreciating all the little things in life.

How critical it is to understand the effect of stress and morale and productivity, is demonstrated by the story below.

A 47-person government agency had a 40 percent turnover rate and was experiencing deep problems with employee morale and poor productivity. A manufacturing section within the agency was particularly hard hit, and had fallen far behind schedule. Management was quickly reaching a dead end in their search for solutions, and job security was on the line for management. The agency head thought high stress in the manufacturing section was the likely cause of its problems.

All agency employees were administered the Personal Stress Navigator to determine whether the high turnover was indeed related to job stress. Grouped results did show the manufacturing group to be higher in susceptibility to stress, sources of stress, and symptoms of stress. But the group also differed demographically from the others peers in many significant respects. For example, their average employee was five to ten years younger than workers in the other two sections of the agency, and the entry-level jobs typically represented their first foray into the labor market.

Further analysis revealed that the manufacturing workers had several likely causes for higher stress and job dissatisfaction. Compared to co-workers in the regulation and communication sections, they had less seniority, earned less money, were more vulnerable to seasonal layoffs, were restricted to their work stations, and had no access to phones.

In addition, they were isolated from the other sections by a wall with a single door that remained open so they were constantly aware of the contrast between their working conditions and the others’.Manufacturing scored highest in all stress categories, but not for the anticipated reasons. In-depth analysis made it evident much of the workplace stress stemmed from the employees’ youth and financial insecurity.

The turnover had as much to do with conditions outside the agency – career level, maturity and financial security – as those within the workplace. Using the information from the Company Stress Report, the agency corrected many of the internal conditions cited above, implemented stress-management training for supervisors, and changed its hiring patterns to select stable, more mature workers who would not see the job as a career opportunity. Productivity increased 23 percent and turnover rates were cut from 40 percent to 15 percent in just under three years.

Sometimes even frayed tempers etc. can be symptomatic of stress induced circumstances. Should we just let the status quo remain or take active steps to ensure that we can create a positive environment both at work and at home.

Ben’s company wasn’t doing well. Productivity was down, profits were off, and stock prices were sliding. As is often the case, the trouble had begun in the executive suite with Ben and his board of directors. Ben’s temper was known throughout the company. His tantrums filtered down to the lowest levels of management and could set the company tone for several days following. Morale was low. Key employees were leaving, and those left behind were looking for a way out.

Ben’s temper was costing in other areas, too. His home life was troubled and his blood pressure was dangerously high. His physician thought Ben needed to control his stress and recommended a Behavioural Wellness Program. Ben refused.

Horrendous traffic to and from work made Ben impatient, and most mornings he arrived at work in a foul mood that he took out on his employees. He got home at the end of the day in the same mood. One night his dog bounced out to meet him when he pulled into the driveway. Ben, short-tempered as usual, “nudged” him out of the way with the side of his foot. The dog, taking a cue from his master, nipped Ben and tore his pant leg. Ben’s wife and children further infuriated Ben by cheering the dog for having saved the household from “Godzilla.”

Ben finally got the message and followed his doctor’s advice. The Behavioural Wellness Program helped Ben identify the areas of stress in his life and gave him suggestions on how to deal with them effectively. He was able to get on top of the lion’s share of his stress simply by changing his schedule by coming in to work and going home an hour later, thus avoiding rush-hour traffic.

The results were measurable within a year: His company got back on track, its stock leapt, and Ben’s blood pressure had dropped to a healthier level. Eventually, he was able to discontinue his anti-hypertensive medication and reverse his company’s downward slide.

Sometimes we don’t even understand how stressed we are and misconstrue the bodily symptoms as associated to a medical issue. We must realize how stress can affect not only our mind but body as well and must take remedial steps to ensure there isn’t irreversible damage.

A 35-year-old marketing executive was surprised when her cardiologist suggested stress management to treat her “heart attack” symptoms. Marketing director for an aggressive high-tech firm, she was in line for promotion to vice president. She drove a new sports car, traveled extensively, and had an active social life. She felt stressed occasionally, but believed she was in control of her life and doing quite nicely.

However, inside, she felt like, “the wheels on my tricycle are about to fall off. I’m a mess.” For several months, she had had attacks of shortness of breath, heart palpitations, chest pains, dizziness, and tingling sensations in her fingers and toes. She had become prone to a sense of doom that made her anxious to the point of panic. She dreaded the panic attacks, which struck without reason or warning.

Her symptoms were so severe that on two occasions she rushed to a nearby hospital emergency room, fearing she was having a heart attack. The first episode followed an argument with her boyfriend about the future of their relationship; the second followed a fight at work with her boss over a new marketing campaign. Tests found nothing wrong with her heart. She left the hospital with instructions to breathe into a paper bag to reduce hyperventilation, and a prescription for tranquilizers. She felt foolish, embarrassed, angry, and confused, and convinced that she had almost had a heart attack.

She sought the advice of a cardiologist, who ran a battery of tests at considerable cost but with no physical findings. He noted her stress, though, and recommended a Behavioural Wellness Program (BWP). The BWP showed the executive how susceptible she was to stress, what was causing it, and how her stress expressed itself in her “heart attack” and other symptoms. It also provided resources for constructing an effective stress action plan that put her back in control of her life. Her utilization of medical benefits dropped off sharply and her company was able to keep a valuable employee functioning at full capacity.

Sometimes the humdrum of daily life and working for a living makes us forget what really are the most important elements of our life…read on to gain another perspective.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’The professor then produced two beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. ‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things—your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else—the small stuff. ‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house, fix the disposal or deal with things from your job.

Take care of the golf balls first—the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers with a friend.

In the story below we see how important it is not lose equanimity even when faced with sudden disappointments or upsets. A true professional should attempt to convey his/her message in a neutral manner without ever being personally accusatory.

Kim and Gretchen are both freelance graphic designers. A small publishing company had decided to bring out a new line of cookbooks, which would be very design intensive. Kim and Gretchen were both hired to work on the new line. Although they don’t know each other, they negotiated deals for themselves that come out to just about the same amount of money. Both of them were really excited about the new project. They were also gratified to get personal calls from Paul, the editorial director of the publishing company, who told them how great it made him feel to give them this break.

That was on a Friday. On the following Monday, the phone rang again in Kim’s studio, and in Gretchen’s also. This time it wasn’t Paul. It was his assistant, who told the two designers that over the weekend Paul had thought about the new project and had decided to cancel it. He was sorry, but that was his decision, and thanks for your time.

Kim was instantly furious. First she gave Paul’s assistant an earful, and then she quickly wrote an email to Paul himself. She told him that it had been extremely unprofessional to commit to something and then to suddenly back out of it. She mentioned that she had put other work on hold in order to keep herself available for this project, and now she had probably lost that business as well. Finally, she pointed out how gutless it was of Paul to make his assistant deliver the bad news. From a purely factual point of view, Kim was correct in just about everything she said.

Gretchen was also angry when she got the call from Paul’s assistant, but she knew that moments like this are the test of a professional’s people skills. She spoke briefly but politely with the assistant, and then, like Kim, she wrote an email to Paul. She disciplined herself to express her appreciation for the opportunity, as well as her disappointment that it was not going to take place. And she closed with the hope that even though this didn’t come through, perhaps there, would be another project down the road.

What was the outcome of the episode? First, within a year Paul was gone from the publishing company. His former assistant took over his job, and one of his first acts was to sign Gretchen on for some major new work. He thought of calling Kim as well, but she had seemed so angry that he was sure she wouldn’t want to work with him.

In a walkway situation, it is critical to address future possibilities, not current problems, and definitely not personalities. Resist the temptation to attack anyone personally. If the dialogue starts talking place on that level, people will just defend their self-esteem. Try to maintain a rational frame of mind oriented toward your long-term goals. If necessary, let the other blow off steam without your talking it personally. Make it clear that you know the conflict is about the issues, and it’s not personal. This will help to prevent the other side from feeling angry and defensive both now and when future opportunities come up.

How important is it to effectively get across a point of view, most politely and without any offence? The story below demonstrates how assertive communication can go a long way in resolving difficult situations.

Molly is thinking of quitting her job because of the demands of her boss that crossed her work-life balance boundary. Her boss would typically call, text, and email her questions and change orders at night and on weekends. When Molly tried to address this the last time, the conversation went something like this: Molly: “I really don’t like that I have to respond at night when I always complete everything on time at work and will take care of it first thing in the morning.” Boss: “There are times when I really need you. There are emergencies.”

Here’s where the conversation on Molly’s part ended. The boss wins a point in the match!Molly is tired of making her boss understand how his erratic requests are taking away the peace from her life.

A few days ago, Molly attended a training program on Assertive Communication. As an action plan, she decided to practice assertive communication with her boss. So when she received yet another erratic text from her boss quoting there was an emergency, here’s how she replied – “That’s understandable and I will definitely be there in a big emergency. It will help if we can take a few minutes to define what constitutes an emergency so that we both have the support and work parameters we need. What would be three examples of emergencies in which I need to respond to at night?”

She really caught her boss off guard as he had never thought of what constituted to emergency. He merely used it as a convenient excuse to cover his inefficiencies.

By asking a question objectively Molly made sure that he boss doesn’t take her for granted. The idea was to collaborate and negotiate as necessary so that the boss feels taken care of and Molly’s boundaries are maintained. Assertive communication is not aggressive and can be strategically applied to every relationship and professional context.

To be able to move out of your comfort zone and behave differently requires an ability to think assertively and be positive regardless of the outcome.

Jigar Parikh was working as an attorney at a New York law firm, and hated his job so he hired a personal coach to help him find a new profession. He soon, however, realized that the problem wasn’t his field; it was his firm. His coach encouraged him to build his network and secure enough clients to quit his job and start his own law practice. But Jigar was shy and uncomfortable reaching out to people he didn’t know. “I was someone who really held back,” he says.

So Jigar started small. He made a commitment to talk about his budding law practice with one or two people each day. This proved to be harder than he thought. “I didn’t want my current employer to find out, so I had to be especially careful,” he says. And he struggled at the networking events he attended three or four times a week. But he didn’t want to fall down on his pledge so he soon found himself talking to strangers on the subway or in a restaurant. “I once talked to a doctor who was an entrepreneur himself and he gave me some great advice,” he says. “I had some amazing conversations.”

This all gave him the confidence he needed to leave the firm. “When you’re not assertive, you settle for things and I had a high tolerance for being in places where I was unhappy,” he says. Now he feels like a very different person. “Anyone who knows me now is shocked to find out that I was shy. But it’s not always easy. I still have to remind myself to get out there,” he says.

Many times both professionally and personally we accept situations despite our misgivings. The story below highlights the stance taken by a filmmaker to consciously be assertive in all aspects of her life and how this so positively impacted her confidence levels.

Katie Torpey is a filmmaker and screenwriter. Assertive executives and insistent dealmakers dominate the industry she works in. Katie was successful, making several movies and television episodes, but she often held back in meetings, rarely saying what was on her mind. Instead she said what she thought others wanted to hear. “I was a people pleaser. I didn’t want to piss anyone off or hurt anyone’s feelings,” she says.

When Katie pitched work to producers they often low balled her. “I was getting work, but I was not getting what I was worth.” She blames no one but herself. “I would take what they offered because I was afraid to demand my asking price,” she says. She was worried the project would fall through or they’d find another director. It became clear to Katie that this was hindering her career.

To change, she made a promise to herself: if she left a situation without saying what she really wanted, she would have to remedy it within 24 hours. For example, when she walked away from a meeting without telling her boss that a product wasn’t actually ready, she forced herself to contact him within 24 hours to fess up. This practice paid off. After cleaning up several of her messes, she realized it was much easier to be assertive from the outset. “Living a life where you speak what you think and feel is so much more freeing than holding everything in,” she says.

This has changed her career for the better. “People respect me. I still have the same abilities but I now have more confidence. People know that I won’t take a job unless my heart’s in it and I’m paid well,” she says. And if producers ask her to take a lower price, she stands up for herself, saying, “I will do an excellent job for you, but you have to pay me my asking price.”

The story below demonstrates how the correct balance of being alert, proactive, friendly and calm can make anyone the most valued resource for an organization.

A Morris the dog was walking past a property one day and he was suddenly confronted by a large black dog who barked ferociously through the fence at him. “What are you doing?’ asked Morris. “I’m guarding this property.” responded the black dog. “What are you barking at me for? asked Morris.

“Because you’re a threat. Everyone has the potential to break in and steal from me, so I’m not taking any risks and am barking at everyone.” Morris shrugged his shoulders and walked away, thinking about how much energy the black dog was unnecessarily wasting.

The next day, he walked past the same property, but instead of being confronted by the vicious guard dog, he was met by a furry ball of fluff. “What happened to the large black dog?” he asked. “He annoyed his owners by barking all of the time, so they gave him away and replaced him with me.” replied the ball of fluff.

“You don’t look very scary.” observed Morris. “I’m not. You never have to worry about me being too angry.”

“What would you do if someone tried to steal from you?” asked Morris. “Why would anyone try to steal from me? I’m such a nice cute doggy that no-one would ever take advantage of me.” Morris shrugged his shoulders and walked away, hoping that the little ball of fluff would be OK.

The next day he walked past the same property and was met by a large golden retriever. “What happened to the little ball of fluff?” Morris asked. “Some intruders came last night and all he did was roll over to have his belly scratched while the place was ransacked.” replied the retriever.

“So, what’s your strategy for guarding this place?” asked Morris. “I’ve learned that not everyone’s a threat, so there’s no point in barking at everyone and keeping them at a distance, but I’ve also learned that being nice and polite won’t always cut it either as not everyone has my best interest at heart. Others will always know that I’m here, but I feel comfortable enough with myself that I don’t need to rant and rave to be heard or look after everyone else’s needs to be liked. I’ll just be calm and clear when communicating, decreasing the risk of being taken the wrong way.”

“I think I’ll be seeing a lot more of you,” said Morris, suitably impressed as he went on his way.

Let me encourage you to learn from this story that you don’t need to be an angry, rabid dog or a delightful ball of fluff to be successful in what you’re doing. Instead, learn to express yourself with clarity, honesty and calmness.

Teamwork is not only about working in cohesion but also being able to think smart and help each other to achieve a win-win for all.

The members of a gathering were given a task to perform. That was to eat laddus given to them. The only condition was that their right hand will be stretched and they have to find some means to eat the sweet without bending their arms.

When the time started to tick, most of them started throwing the laddus in the air and geared up moving towards it with their mouths wide open to catch the prize straight into their mouth. Behold!! As Expected, most of them failed and the laddus fell on the ground.

Just then two individuals who were seeing the complete drama unfolding before them had a spark. Both of them stood face to face before the other; their stretched hands were facing each other’s face; so the laddu of one man was eaten by the other without any difficulty and the other ate from his opponent’s hand.

Don’t you think this was a classic example of “Together we win”?

Does each member on your team understand their role and contribution? Do they understand that doing their part the best they can is critical to the team? The following story on teamwork highlights the importance of everyone’s role to the success of the team.

One sunny morning something caught the mouse’s eye through a crack in the wall. It was a package the farmer’s wife was opening. The mouse wondered what kind of delicious food it might contain. To his surprise it wasn’t food, but a mouse trap!

As the mouse scurried out to the yard he shouted a loud warning to all. “Watch out for the mousetrap in the house! Watch out for the mousetrap in the house!” The chicken raised his head and said, “I can tell my friend that this causes you great worry, but it is of no worry to me. Please don’t bother me with it!”

The mouse then turned to the pig who said, “Sorry Mr. Mouse, it has no consequence to me either.” The mouse then turned to the bull who said, “Sounds like you have a problem friend, but it really doesn’t concern me… sorry, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.” The mouse went back to the house to face the mousetrap alone. He felt down and dejected.

That night the sound of the trap was heard throughout the house – Snap! The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught, but couldn’t see in the darkness that it was a venomous snake. She was bitten! After rushing his wife to the hospital, the farmer returned home with her. She had quite a fever. The farmer knew the best way to treat her fever was with chicken soup so he took his hatchet to the farmyard to get his main ingredient.

The wife grew sicker by the day and friends kept visiting her throughout the days and around the clock. The farmer felt he had to feed them so he slaughtered the pig. The farmer’s wife unfortunately didn’t get better and eventually died. There were many, many people who came to pay their final respects. The farmer had the cow butchered so he could feed them all.

Each member of the team plays an important role in the team’s success. You may think that because someone on the team is struggling that it doesn’t concern you, but it does. When everyone pulls together the team wins.

The following teamwork story illustrates the need for every member of the team regardless of their differing talents and gifts. It is a powerful reminder of why leaders and team members must embrace diversity.

Have you ever heard of the Aesop Fable, “The Belly and the Members?” As you read the following story I encourage you to think about your own teams and how this might apply. One day it occurred to The Members (parts) of the Body that they were doing all of the work while the Belly got all of the food. They believed the Belly was lazy and unproductive.

It was decided that they would hold a meeting that evening to discuss how unfair this seemed. After what was a very long meeting that night it was voted on that The Members of the Body would go on strike until the Belly agreed to take its proper share of the work.

The unhappy body parts didn’t do anything for several days in an attempt to stop feeding the Belly. The Legs stopped walking, the Hands stopped moving and the Teeth stopped chewing. As a result of this inactivity and the starving of the Belly, the Legs became more and more tired, the Hands could hardly move anymore and the Mouth became parched and very dry.

Eventually the entire Body collapsed and passed away as the Belly completely starved.

What is the moral of the story? Team dynamics are complex. Here are four important team tips to remember:

• Some members of the teams contributions may seem less significant or of less value than others. Especially as it compares to those louder and possibly more prominent members of the team.

• It is important that every member of the team understands their unique roles and what they bring to the team. It is also important that they clearly understand everyone else’s roles and contributions.

• Another moral of this story is the need for teams to refrain from evil speaking of each other, gossip, jumping to conclusions and a whole host of other potential team illnesses. Doing so weakens teams and organizations.

• While team member accountability is critical, it should never become personal or be based on ill-fated assumptions. Accountability must be based on trust, which is not something that magically happens, it must be built consciously and over time.

• Because everyone in the organization or on the team plays an important role to the success of the agreed upon goals, the vision and goals of the leader must be cascaded up and down the organization so everyone is in alignment.

Teamwork in the workplace can be difficult. Teams at work often consist of a variety of conflicting personalities and styles. Getting to a point in which a team can collaborate and work in harmony can be a difficult task for a leader and takes time.

Steve Jobs tells the story of a widowed man he had gotten to know in his eighties who lived up the street from him when he was a young boy. “When I was a young kid there was a widowed man who lived up the street. He was in his eighties. He’s a little scary looking. And I got to know him a little bit. I think he may have paid me to mow his lawn.

One day he said to me, “come on into my garage I want to show you something.” And he pulled out this dusty old rock tumbler. It was a motor and a coffee can and a little band between them. And he said, “come on with me.” We went out into the back and we got some rocks. Some regular old ugly rocks. And we put them in the can with a little bit of liquid and little bit of grit powder, and we closed the can up and he turned this motor on and he said, “come back tomorrow.”

And this can was making a racket as the stones went around.I came back the next day and we opened the can. And we took out these amazingly beautiful polished rocks. The same common stones that had gone in through rubbing against each other like this (clapping his hands), creating a little bit of friction, creating a little bit of noise, had come out these beautiful polished rocks.

That’s always been in my mind my metaphor for a team working really hard on something they’re passionate about. It’s that through the team, through that group of incredibly talented people bumping up against each other, having arguments, having fights sometimes, making some noise, and working together they polish each other and they polish the ideas, and what comes out are these beautiful stones.”

Teams, he states, are like these stones. Individually we can be fairly normal, ordinary and even a bit rough. But through the process of teamwork we can end up in a very different state. Jobs states that teams consisting of incredibly talented people who are passionate and are working hard towards something often times bump up against each other, argue, sometimes fight and make some noise. By working together they polish one another and their ideas and in the process create beautiful stones.

Have you built up enough trust on your teams to allow bumping up against one another and passionately arguing on occasion? Passive, “follow the leader” types of teams are destined to fail. Each member of a team brings something unique. They are unique in their gifts, ideas and arguments. Team members must feel like they can express themselves without embarrassment or retribution. Leaders who embrace the process of “tumbling stones” on their teams create more efficiency, better ideas, better problem solving and ultimately better teamwork.

One of the marks of a great leader is the ability to get his or her team to pull together and to feel they are a part of something really special (vision). And one of the greatest blessings to a leader is to have that team pull together and support each other. A good team can make a leader feel a great deal stronger.

Once there was man who was lost while driving through the country. As he tried to read a map while driving, he accidentally drove off the road into a deep muddy ditch. Though not injured, his car was stuck. So the man walked to a nearby farm.

There he saw an old farmer and asked for help. The farmer replied, “Warwick can get you out of that ditch,” pointing to an old mule standing in a field. The man looked at the old run-down mule and then looked at the farmer who just stood there repeating, “Yep, old Warwick can do the job.”

The man figured he had nothing to lose. The two men and Warwick made their way back to the ditch. The farmer hitched the mule to the car. With a snap of the reigns he shouted, “Pull, Fred! Pull, Jack! Pull, Ted! Pull, Warwick!” And the mule pulled the car from the ditch with very little effort.

The man was amazed. He thanked the farmer, patted the mule and asked, “Why did you call out all those other names before you called Warwick?” The farmer grinned and said, “Old Warwick is just about blind. As long as he believes he is part of a team, he doesn’t mind pulling.”

Aren’t you grateful for teams! We can do so much more together than we can ever do alone.